Here I am....and I'm sick of all the fucking shit involved with gender roles, I'm sick of people not putting girls and guys on equal levels.  Sure, from outside perspective it would seem to be a better situation than any other century, which would be correct, but this fucking world needs to do better.  No, I don't want to: go shopping, put on make-up, dress in different clothes everyday, read shitty celebrity magazines, fall in "love", clean , gossip, hang-out, paint nails, do sleepovers, listen to you cry about your fucking life( how your so-called boyfriend dumped you for a hotter girl) listen to pop music, watch chick flixs, be anorexic, pierce my nipples or my fucking pussy for that matter, be a religious fanatic, have screwed up children, weigh myself constantly, cry like a pussy about every simple thing, be hugged, get a pedicure/manicure or my hair done, wear jewelry, have stuffed animals/dolls.

Instead I'd rather : play hardcore videogames/pc games, watch action movies, lay around and eat candy, sleep till noon, have sex with no relationship, not take a shower or brush my hair for a couple days, wear boxers, work, read hardcore books, listen to rock, get into a physical fight, piss people off, read the newspaper,wrestle,play hockey, take a shower; not a bath, wear dark colors, win than lose, not clean my room.

So fuck off.........I'm not like other girls, I hate anything weak; and so many are...It makes me  want to kick the shit out of them.  Spiders are cool, so don't fucking scream everytime you see one you pieces of shit because they probably look a lot better than you do plus they have a purpose.

*I feel like screaming*  but I would never do that either.

I just got back from a bike ride. I went down to the highway and came home, which is decent considering I don't feel well at the moment. I have a headache and sore throat; it was worse yesterday. Damn, I hope I don't get into the habit of writing down my thoughts.......then it'd be considered a journal; at worst a diary. I'm starting to get bored.

I can't help who I am.  They teach you that image insn't everything, but what about personality? I hate that I can never be suave, like the so-called loners on tv.  This is not working for me anymore, I want to go back to sleep every time I wake up. I mask my pain so easily, but I feel like dying.  This isn't worth it anymore! fuck, I wish I had the strength to take some pills and go to sleep, get out of this shit. lol, if this was a letter there would be tear stains everywhere.  

 I couldn't help but cut again, I was clean for awhile...............................now I'm back to step one. Theydon't feel like anything.

The only people who know me are internet strangers, wow, what a life I have.  But they will only know me as I allow, it's all so stupid.   I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I taste like blood.  

I'm here because I need to let off some steam. I went to a catholic chat site, yes  fat tubs of lard praising the lord and trying to defend the idiot's evil ways.   I needed a laugh or two, most of the so-called members were about forty- fiftyish and thought I was a guy, LMAO.   I needed to get further insight: They condone slavery, rape, men for domination, etc.  Despite what it sounds like I really am accepting of other religions, but they attempted to 'convert' me, yes I had to plug my ass with duck tape!  People like that piss me off, but I had fun.   It really gets the ole blood pumping.  *growl* If they ever manage to get to their 'heaven' I hope god will be like, "Sorry, no pussies allowed." And send the bastards straight to the ninth circle of hell. Yes, I got kicked out *smirk* Die young stay pretty.

I'm watching family guy, new episodes are supposed to be coming out this sunday.  It's a three day weekend so YEAH!!!  Please send sunny weather; I really need the crappy ice to melt. 

I have an F in spanish, hahahah, I love to laugh at myself.

How is it that you can know someone your whole life and yet not truly know them? I don't think I'll be totally happy until after school ends.  Another week has gone by, only the rest of my life to go. 

 I can't look at myself in the mirror without wondering who my reflection really is...that can't be me, I couldn't possibly be the good girl down the street. How the fuck did I get myself trapt in a body so unlike the real me? I feel sick.  Am I playing some type of game? I have a great life, the only thing screwing up everything is the shell, my shell...fucking plastic spoons!! I feel like cutting...should I? *reaches for razor* No, I can't risk getting caught, scars from my last cuttings are still there.....

I feel so....dumb, not in the smart type of way, numb,I have to go to sleep; I like sleeping it let's me be anyone, it's the best. Damn there I go starting to cry, feeling sorry for myself lol.  I have to get through this, please let me get through this.

Blah, blah, blah...just thought that I'd check in, yes I'm holding up just fine, however I started in to what I think could be an obsession for me, Every night I was up late online-chatting.  Sounds a bit more sinister then it really is *shrug*.  It's not like I don't understand the dangers...unlike the little retards that think everyone is who they say they are; I made a few aliases. Jessie/16/Cali and Candy/16/Texas, I ranged from 4'11 - 5'3 with either blonde or brunette hair. I used Black_Shadow as my msn, and to top off the deal got a few fake pictures off of google *grin*. Why did I do this? For kicks, not for friends or shit like that, just to mess with people. 

I stopped cutting myself, the scars are still there and my skin itches like hell.....that'll teach me; I hope I don't start up again.  It's finally break-up and a month till my 9th circle of hell is gone from my life.  Please let me be better next year, it's really hard to sit on the side-lines and just watch while everyone else plays.

What else am I supposed to do?

I'm watching the movie "Trojan War." It's really stupid, and despite the comedic nature is sortof depressing me.  Why? Due to my passive nature I don't stand a good chance of fucking some guy before I graduate.  Yeah, reading back that sounds a little superficial so I will clarifiy.  I just want "one" guy to mess around with, not for a relationship, just to learn how.  I don't really understand the whole concept of love between male and female, so I'll just skip that part.  It's not that I can't get one, it's just that I don't know how.  I'm still young, I have plenty of time, and who knows maybe I'll be a 'better' school person when I'm a senior. 

Why does the image of a 'girl' have to be pink ? Not in the sense of a color, but what the normal girl is supposed to be?  I wear plain hoodies and baggy jeans, not decorated crap with designer labels.   I don't wear make-up, I wear my hair the same way everyday.  Why are girls so psychotic? the ones I am forced to sit by in class jabber on endlessly about their weight, who they go out with, shit like that.  If I could I would have slipped them a few testosterone pills; they need to grow some balls, and maybe a mustache. I mean who weighs themselves? 

I don't even want to think about the world, and it's fucked up sterotypes right now.  Boys have it so much easier, if I could've chosen my gender, I would have been a boy. 

I am afraid of babies and toddlers, the little bastards can rot in hell. They're just useless pieces of crap. So you see not all girls want children.

I'm done with writing, I LOVE NOT GOING TO SCHOOL!!!!! please let me never go back to that ninth circle of hell they call my "educational home".

This is dedicated to myself.  Not as a suicide note; no I won't give up on myself that easily. Not as last resort. Not as a way to reach out to those on the outside. 

Why am I so hopeless? It seems books are my only source of comfort.  Like glass, people reach to me, why can't I reach back.  What the fuck is wrong with me? I know they see me as a little girl, shy, unwilling to speak up, and a possible vicitm.  Fuck all of them...they don't know I try so hard to be the person I want to be.  I try to play the 'role' of tomboy, they all look right through me, to the side that I can't control.  I feel like I have split personalities.  At home I am fun, loud, crude, silly, and can do whatever I feel like ...at school I'm a zombie, unable to speak, I AM NOT SHY!!!!!  I am a person, not an object you fucking plastic spoons. 

At the end of the week I am so emotionally drained. I cut just to stay in the moment *snort* My sister saw my arm, I can't allow the two sides of my life to merge, so I switched to my leg, the cuts are beautiful to me.  I'm not depressed, I am perfectly content outside of school.  Having no friends doesn't really bother me, what kills me is that I can't stand up for myself, I feel so vulnerable.  I know what the real part of me is, the fact is  everyone thinks I'm someone totally different.  Most think I have a 4.0 GPA, HA! that's a laugh. Most probably wouldn't suspect that I listen to rock and heavy metal. Most don't know I love South Park, Family Guy, Futurama. J. didn't think I knew what the word "castration" means.  It makes me giggle, does he know I maturbate every night? does he know I have fantasies of rape? does he know I love looking at porno of male-on-male action? does he know I watch erotica on tv? does he know I think he is a pussy? does the little bitch know the real me? J2 gives me more credit. Jokingly he said I would take down the school one day...I've thought about it, really, the brief moment is not worth taking lives.  At school I become stone like, I don't feel, when I come home I become 'me' again.  School-me laughs at the deaths of others.        Home-me doesn't agree with violence.